Are you ‘just’ a mum?
I was amazed on Saturday when a mum in one of my NLP for Parents workshops described herself as ‘just a mum’ and then went on to use the ‘just’ word about 8 times in one sentence!
Come on! The job we mums do is immense! We are bringing up the next generation, guiding them, loving them, disciplining them and teaching them. What greater work is there than this. Be proud and hold your head up high. There is no ‘just’ about it.
Like any important job we need to constantly take stock of how well we are doing, learn from the feedback we observe in our children and make the necessary changes based on the choices we have available. Remember you can call upon skills you have in all the many different areas of your life; work, sport, social and so on. Think about what you do well in all aspects of your life and consider what that also means you can do in your parenting.
During the course of the workshop we experimented with using body language alone to communicate with our children and mums realised that generally they used too many words and did a lot of explaining. When they thought about how they’d ask someone at work to do something and applied the same length of sentence, the same tone and belief that it would be done, they all noticed how much more effective they were and were looking forward to trying it out at home later!
Parents workshops are great fun both for me and those I work with and it’s fantastic to see how NLP gives mums and dads (yes there was one dad in Saturday’s group!) another way, choices and the possibility to change how they communicate with their children.
There are some workshops happening in London during June so if you are able to come along please do. They are on the NLP Dynamics website
If you can’t then please buy my book Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP from my Bookshop or Amazon UK or Amazon US or The Book Depository (free shipping worldwide)
Treating myself to some NLP
Even as a parent myself, my own parents still have the ability to make me feel like a child again.
Hang on!
As I feel that emotion, I know instinctively that I need to treat myself to some NLP. So what happened?
On arrival at my parents’ home where we were visiting for lunch (bringing it with us actually) I gave my Mum a copy of the Market Research book that had only just come out. It was published by Hodder and was only my second book published by a Traditional Publisher so I was very proud. Doubly so because it was about Market Research which had been my career for 25 years before I became a writer and NLP Coach. I was hurt when she just looked briefly at it and told me to put it ‘over there’ (out of the way basically). Later at lunch when talking about keeping oneself healthy my Dad told me ‘you just need to lose weight’.
Now according to NLP we can reframe negative feedback as learning and I tell other people this all the time. But I was still hurt even knowing Dad was probably right (although I’m by no means fat!) and that Mums was probably just busy with lunch and it simply wasn’t a good time to show her something important. By ‘over there’ she just meant out of the way so it wouldn’t get marked and could be given suitable attention later as opposed to the meaning I chose to take that ‘over there’ meant ‘out of my way’ and ‘not of interest’.
I spoke to my Dad yesterday on Skype and he was quite mystified as to where the book disappeared to because when they wanted to sit down and give it some attention after we’d left, it had gone.
Yes, even NLP Master Practitioners and Trainers need to remind themselves to apply the NLP principles we teach others. In the case of Sunday I would have been well advised to look for the positive intention which was to keep my precious book clean and safe and that my Dad loves me and simply wants me to be healthy.
Controlling the ‘should’ monster
You can find out more about NLP for parents in my book ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’. Find it in my bookshop.
How much self-esteem do you want?
I’m just writing the first chapter of my next book – Self Esteem Workbook. The chapter is about how we get the low self esteem in the first place and then keep it into adulthood; often passing it on to our kids. I have no end of children brought to me with low self esteem and guess what – mum or dad usually admit they too have always been ‘shy’.
NLP has some great tools and techniques for raising low self esteem but my question today is “just how much of it do we want?”
We all know of precocious children who push themselves forward for the lead part in the school plays, are the first to put their hand up in class and have no problem expressing themselves. Then there are those who pretend to be invisible when the parts are being allocated, ask to be behind the scenes, become tongue-tied when you ask them a question and only ask questions directly posed to them in class. It would seem that to have self-esteem somewhere in the middle would be ideal for most of us unless we are planning a theatrical career.
Another option would be to have self esteem along a sliding scale so we could have it as a resource to dip into when we need to or want to stand out in a particular way. This seems to me to be ideal. After all, there may be times when we or our children are happy to take a back seat and allow others to shine and then there are times when we want to take centre stage. So how about instead of thinking of ourselves as having low or high self esteem; we think of having access to this sliding scale as a resource to access as and when we need it. This takes it away from being part of our identity as in ‘he is shy’ or ‘she lacks confidence’ and moves us into using it as a resource that we can choose.
If this idea appeals to you as something you want to pass on to your children; you can do this by:
1) Observing in them and pointing out to them, times or occasions when they show confidence so they recognise what it looks, sounds and feels like.
2) At times when they need this confidence but don’t think they have it, remind them when they did and how it manifested itself to you so they can recall it and access the physiology and self talk.
3) Share with them the idea of self esteem being a sliding scale and ask them what level of confidence they need for different situations so you can get them thinking about it.
4) Notice other peoples levels of confidence and share with your child what you notice and whether the level of confidence fits the situation or may be slightly too much or too little to encourage them to recognise this in themselves.
My self-esteem book won’t be out until next year but if you find this issue interesting there is a chapter in Be a happier parent with NLP on coping with lack of confidence in parents and children and a topic specifically on giving your child confidence. You can buy the book here. If you feel a session on confidence would help you so that you can pass it on to your child contact me via SKYPE judy.bartkowiak
Top tips for mums returning to work
Whether you are returning to work in your pre-baby role, looking for alternative more child-friendly work or starting your own business, you will find these tips very helpful. They are based on NLP (neuro linguistic programming) and on the premise therefore that how we think, our beliefs and values, affects what we say and do. Most of the time we get the results we want but when we don’t we need to do something different. Flexibility is key to making different choices. Be curious about whether these tips will work for you to get the results you want.
1) What beliefs do you have about going back to work/starting a business or whatever you are thinking of doing? Where do these beliefs come from? Are they working for you or against you? If your current beliefs about being a mummy are not helpful, rethink them. Maybe a new belief will suit your current circumstances better. Beliefs are not values; after all, you don’t believe in Father Christmas any more I suspect!
2) Who are you? After having a baby our identity shifts and we become a ‘mummy’ and sometimes that work identity gets lost for a while. You may need to ask yourself the question “Who am I when I am a working person?” and recall all the skills and strengths you have with that identity. Make a list to remind yourself of all the resources you have.
3) Are you visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Do you think in images, sounds or action? Now is a great opportunity to rethink what you want to do in your working life. Set some goals and a compelling vision for the work you’d like to do.
4) Visions and goals need to be worded in the positive and state what you do want not what you don’t want. Visualise yourself doing what you feel passionate about.
5) Self-esteem often plummets after you’ve had a baby so build it up by thinking about all the things you do well and what that means you can also do well, the skills you have that enable you to do it well and how else you could use these skills in a work context. It will help to also add those things that other people say you do well.
6) If you spot it you’ve got it. As mummies we often admire other mummies and compare ourselves with them, often unfavourably. Whatever you notice in another mummy, you also have; that’s how you are able to recognise it. So when you admire someone else’s skill ask yourself “and how do I also have this skill?” maybe it’s not identical but you will have the structure of that skill.
7) Avoid words like ‘should’ and ‘can’t’, ‘but’ and ‘try’ they are all limiting beliefs so challenge them by saying “and what if I could?” Just DO IT!
Judy Bartkowiak is the author of Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP (Hodder Education) and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks including NLP for New Mums and NLP for Back to Work, NLP for Children, NLP for Parents, NLP for Teachers and NLP for Teens. You can buy her books at www.nlpandkidsbooks.com where you can also arrange an NLP FREE CHAT and NLP Consultation via SKYPE. Join her Facebook Group – NLP Kids https://www.facebook.com/groups/343575227600/ for exchanging views on parenting using NLP.
Nice review of Be a happier parent with NLP from Sisters Magazine
SISTERSREADS
Be a Happier Parent with NLP (‘Teach Yourself’ Series)
Written by Judy Bartkowaik | Published by Hodder Education (2011)
Reviewed by Suma Din
‘Parent’ and ‘NLP’, the word and acronym in the title appealed to
me instantly. Why? The first has been the one ‘occupation’ I’ve
been engrossed in for just over seventeen years and the second a
curiosity, what exactly is NLP? Since acquaintances have trained
in this type of therapy, and happiness is that illusive state we’re all
wistful for, I didn’t hesitate to pick up this title whilst on a virtual
walk about, grazing for parenting fodder.
The book is written for lay-parents without specialist knowledge of
the subject. It opens with an explanation of what NLP stands for. It
is a coaching therapy which combines Neuro – as in our beliefs and
attitudes, Linguistic – what we say and how we communicate and
Programming- our patterns of behaviour. NLP explores how our
beliefs and attitudes affect the way we communicate and behave,
and what effect this has on those around us.
It is fast becoming a popular therapy for families and children. It is
helpful that the first half of the book – four chapters in all – explains
the principles in a practical way that can be used instantly.
From the outset, the author Judy Bartkowaik, a qualified Master
Practitioner and Counsellor, explains why she addresses mothers
in particular: ‘NLP is particularly effective in changing the negative
emotions that women experience more than men, namely, lack of
confidence, guilt and fear of conflict’ (p.12) Sounds familiar? If we’re
honest with ourselves, just as the author is, we know parenting is
a difficult job. And so this book begins with you and me, asking
us to examine how we see our identity, communication and time
management (after the initial chapter on getting to grips with the
NLP ground rules).
The rules are built on easy to digest gems (as opposed to academic
theory) such as; ‘There is no failure, only feedback’ and ‘You have
the resources to do whatever you want to do’ and the most
oft-repeated maxim in the book ‘The map is not the territory’. In
essence, this reminds readers that our ‘map’ may be vast, including
our work, relationships, politics and so forth, however a child’s
territory is on a smaller scale, and requires us as parents (or siblings)
to look at their world by stepping into their shoes; perspective is
key. Judy has a gentle, but direct style in making the reader stop
and think about each of the rules before they think about putting
them into practice in their household.
Taking a look at the internal mirror can be difficult, so there are
practical, down-to-earth exercises to help us through. Some of the
exercises are questionnaire-style to establish our thought patterns
and how we communicate. Other exercises involve a fair amount
of visualisation: ‘close your eyes and imagine…’, ‘now picture this’,
so reading this book at a peaceful time of the day or night when
you can focus on the exercises is a good idea to get the most out
of it.
The further I got into the first half of the book, the more I felt
comfortable in the company of the author. She is someone I could
trust, who herself is a real mother and not-so-perfect woman,
sharing real scenarios and dilemmas. From the outset, there are
frequent ‘case studies’, ‘insights’ and ‘tips’ boxed off, where the
author gives examples from her own life and from the lives of
those she knows. Her openness and honesty struck me, as the
personal examples relate to her parents and, quite frequently, her
own husband and children. This was refreshing, as the didactic,
inexperienced voice is the last thing a parent needs.
Having grasped the practical concepts, the second half of the
book relates NLP to our relationship with our children. For parents
with pre- and primary school aged children, the examples will
resonate with their own reality. Even though I have older children,
the scenarios instantly reminded me of the lengthy discussions
about food, friends, discipline, tantrums, house moving and school
moving, when they were all in the 4-10 years age range. In spite
of many examples being about younger children, I still found the
second half of the book relevant to older children, as the subjects
of lacking confidence, coping with guilt and coping with conflict
are part and parcel of growing up and parenting. Solutions to
these recurring issues are found in more concrete strategies such
as ‘perceptual positioning’ or looking at things from someone
else’s perspective, for both the child and parent. It’s no surprise
that language and communication are at the heart of many of the
strategies.
Reading this book as a Muslim mother, I found it very reassuring.
I now understand why so many sisters have either attended
NLP counselling or gone to train as NLP practitioners; it is very
compatible with the context of our faith. Much of the advice–
expecting good intentions, speaking positively, building rapport
through communication, modelling ‘examples of excellence’
(p.204) – echo what we encounter in the Sunnah. So am I a ‘Happier
Parent’ as the title promises? ‘Empowered’ is how I felt when I
closed the book, and for that, I’m happy!
Suma Din is the author of non-fiction, educational titles. She is married
with three children and lives in Buckinghamshire, UK.
Exam Blues
As your children return to school after the Easter break, what is in store for them?
For many the term will be peppered with exams, some important others less so, but nonetheless stressful. Children collect stress. They start off with some of their own which they can generally manage pretty well. Then they collect the group stress from their peers , teachers and friends. This is less easy to manage. And then there is our stress which is hardest to manage. Why? Because however well informed we may be by the school we don’t actually know the content of their course, how well they know it, what the questions will be, how well they will perform on the day and a host of other imponderables such as whether the girl they fancy in class will look their way or not just as the exam starts.
So how can you best support your child this term?
* Keep home life relaxed and happy so they want to come home to revise
* Make sure they have a quiet place to work and respect what works for them (many kids work better with music on or TV)
* Feed them – keep their favourite foods in the fridge and cook them a good meal in the evening
* Assume they are working hard and revising by noticing what they do not what they don’t do
* Keep your own stuff out of the picture. It doesn’t matter what you did at their age.
* Threatening and bribing does not work instead simply love them whatever they do
* Remind them of what they are aiming for – the course at Uni, interesting job etc focus on what they want
* No comparisons with others – it only matters what they are doing
And how can you support yourself?
* Remember you have done your best and so have the teachers, it’s now time to trust your child.
* These are not your exams (however involved you are as a mum or dad!) you did yours years ago
* There is no failure, only feedback. Children can retake exams and learn from the mistakes they make.
* Even children who don’t do as well as expected in exams, go on to do really well in life. Exams are only one way of testing your child, there will be many other opportunities for them to excel and find their niche.
At the end of this term your child may be moving on to college, Uni, a gap year or secondary school. These are all big changes for them and it’s important that home life stays the same rather than having everything change at the same time. It can be very emotional as the term draws to a close and your child faces probably the biggest change in their life so far. Whilst they will be talking and thinking about what and who they will miss; support them by acknowledging their feelings and encouraging them to keep in touch with old friends as well as looking forward to making new ones.
All in all, this term will be an emotional one for you and your child so be kind to yourself – say ‘no’ to anything you would rather not take on this term, make sure you get plenty of time for yourself to recharge your batteries and have some ‘time out’ just for you. It’s important that you are as strong and grounded as you can be so you are a model of being relaxed and resourceful for your child at this time.
Change your mood by breathing differently
One really quick and effective way to change the way you feel is to change the way you breathe. As you know, your brain requires oxygen in order to think clearly. Your muscles need oxygen in order to work and move about and your digestive system uses oxygen to help process the food you eat and get rid of what the body does not need. We breathe unconsciously. It is one of the many millions of functions that happen without us controlling them. Our body just does it all on its own while we get on with living. But what if we could make the unconscious conscious and breathe more effectively so that more air fills our lungs and more oxygen-filled blood courses through our body to energise us whenever we need it? When you change the way you breathe , this affects how you think, what you do and how you feel and this in turn has an impact on our self-esteem so have a go at this exercise and experience this shift in state right now!
Exercise
Stand up for a moment to ‘break state’ and just walk around a bit. We do this to shake ourselves out of the state or mood we are in and prepare ourselves for something different. We are in effect saying to our body ‘pay attention’. It’s perhaps like giving a little pull on the reigns while you are riding a horse to tell it you are about to give it some new instructions. You see it’s ears go back ready to do what you ask.
Now get yourself in a comfortable stance with your feet slightly apart and body central over your pelvis. Think about filling your diaphragm with air as you breathe in. It will help if you place one hand on your upper chest and the other over your navel. Be aware when you breathe in that your lower hand should rise first and then the upper hand as your diaphragm fills up with air and expands. As you breathe out feel your hands return to resting position in reverse order. As you breathe in and out you will notice an almost rocking sensation between the two hands as they rise and fall in turn.
You may not normally breathe like this. Many people think about pulling in their stomach as they breathe in but this reduces your lung capacity. If this is a new way of breathing for you; you can remind yourself how to do it properly by pushing your stomach in with your hands to expel the air and then allow them to relax over your stomach as you replace it by inhaling. Then move on to using both hands in the positions explained earlier.
As you do this exercise, be conscious of your breathing and experiment with controlling it by pausing as you breathe in and out a few times. Imagine your diaphragm is an elevator that is stopping at a few floors on its way up and down. You are making the unconscious conscious and switching from automatic to ‘manual’. Continue this breathing and experiment with how you feel when you breathe deeply and how you feel when your breathing is shallower. Which feels calmer?
We can use our breathing to control our state of mind. Think about when you could alter your breathing consciously to get more focus in your sport or to stay calm when you feel stressed.
It is a core belief of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) that your mind and your body are one and that how you think affects what you do and say.
